The first question is hard for him to put in words and he feels raw. He hugs his arms around himself and stares at the floor determined that he's not going to cry over this again.
"Because...my art is like..." Lennon struggles for a way to explain that to Daeshim. "I don't think there's a way to explain it that you'd understand. If I say my art is like a diary, you'd not understand why you couldn't read it."
He swallows heavily. "Why wasn't the fact that I told you I needed time enough for you? And you said it made you feel bad and unwanted...and I don't want you to feel those things... It wasn't about whether you were wanted or not."
Oh, he would be all over a diary. Daeshim can't help the way his frown deepens when Lennon confirms what he'd already thought and feared. They're at an impasse.
"It did. It hurt me to be locked out." And not just because of the threat of the iron shavings, or the one time that Daeshim tested them. "Maybe if I locked you out of some precious part of myself, you would understand, or maybe it wouldn't bother you at all. But it bothered me, and it made me very happy when you let me in...until I realized that it was a lie."
He grows quiet, thinking for a moment before speaking again.
"I hurt, and then I still hurt. Better to have been kept outside, at least you wouldn't have been hurt too."
Lennon inhales a little sharply and the guilt he's been feeling claws even sharper at him and he works furiously to keep the tears from happening. He doesn't want to cry, not in front of Daeshim about this. It's Lennon's fault. All of it is his fault. He can't explain it and that makes it worse doesn't it? That it's just what is! If he could explain it maybe Daeshim would be less hurt.
"I'd like to think that I could understand that what you needed to lock away to yourself for a while wasn't because of how you felt about me. That since what I needed wasn't about you, what you needed wouldn't be about me. You act like this is something I'm doing to you when it was something I was doing for me." Is he not allowed that?
Being told it was a lie cracks him and tears fall and he just tightens his arms and keeps staring at the floor because he's not willing to show the tears.
"It wasn't a lie. You didn't listen. You didn't hear everything I said to you, that I needed time, that just because I could physically let you in didn't mean I was ready to emotionally or mentally to let you in. You could be patient with me on so many things... on saying how I feel about you, on accepting that I'm yours..." he sucks in a soft breath and the way his voice is thick probably gives away that he's crying.
"I needed you to be patient... I told you... but you forgot everything I'd said the moment I opened the door."
He'd been hoping that maybe... Daeshim would have taken the open door as enough. As proof it wasn't that he was unwanted. "I didn't tell you I was ready. When will you learn that just because you can doesn't mean you should?"
Lennon knows he's not being fair. "I'm sorry I hurt you and that I made you feel unwanted and that I'm still fucking up. I'm sorry I'm broken. I told you that you'd realize one day that I'm not good enough."
He can't bare everything to Daeshim yet the way Daeshim wants, he's a disappointment.
Even if Lennon was able to explain everything perfectly, Daeshim still might not get it. It's frustrating, and a downside of being with someone so fundamentally different.
"Maybe you could understand." He says that quietly too, because a part of Daeshim wouldn't want him to understand. He would want him to be impatient too, and curious about every last thing about him. He would want him to worry. Daeshim frowns down at his mushrooms when the other's words start coming quicker. Harsher. He wonders if Lennon really is mad at him after all, but he doesn't want to think of another lie between them.
"Because you opened the door!" Daeshim gasps, lifting his head up at that. Lennon opened the door, and now he's being blamed for walking through it, and it makes his head spin. He doesn't understand...is it the same with their shower rule too? Is it supposed to be enough that it's open, but Daeshim is never really meant to walk through it? An empty invitation.
"I will never learn it." His voice trembles, along with his bottom lip. "I have also told you that I am not human. That I'm selfish and soulless. I cannot be a human lover to you. I wish I could." He wipes the back of his hand across his own eyes. Maybe that's what Lennon needs. Maybe they would understand better. "I don't know what I'm really supposed to do now. You come to get me, but do you really want to be alone? I'm so confused. I cannot trust what you say, or myself that I'll know what you want me to do."
Lennon doesn't like fighting with Daeshim. It hurts to fight. It makes him want to cave and just do anything to make the fighting stop. He reaches up to wipe at his face and rubs at his face.
"My words matter too," he whispers. What he had said had mattered as much if not more than what he had done. Then he sighs and just sits down in the doorway and finally looks at Daeshim.
"Please don't say you can't trust me," Lennon says, his voice broken. "I didn't lie, Dae. I know it's all my fault but I didn't lie."
All of it is so much and he doesn't want anyone else to be his but Daeshim. Daeshim is his husband, fae. There might be others they care about but Daeshim is his heart.
"I listened to them. I did." He just listened to the wrong ones, apparently. The Fae presses his lips together when Lennon says that he didn't lie. He said one thing while feeling another but...his own kind can also be tricky with words. Daeshim must give him that.
"You can't help what I am either." He doesn't think that it's the other's fault. It just...is. "But promise you will never say anything that you don't really mean. It doesn't matter if it hurts me or if I don't understand. I won't use force or love you any less for it."
Lennon would insist he never said it was okay for the other to come in. He simply told him to come in. He won't argue anymore, though. He just nods at Daeshim's words.
"I promise," Lennon says softly, swallowing heavily. "I'm sorry, Dae."
If nothing else, at least he knows now that those things mean one and the same to Daeshim.
"Mm. I'm sorry too." Lennon was hurt, and he never means to hurt him. That's all that really matters in the end. He comes to sit in front of him, lifting a hand to wipe at Lennon's tears. But then he sees how dirty his hands still are and lowers it again.
Lennon reaches and brings the other's hands back to his face. He doesn't care that they're dirty. They can clean up. He takes in a deep breath to try and calm himself. His heart is still racing and his stomach still twisted a bit. He still feels guilty and like he's messed up but Daeshim loves him and isn't leaving him.
Daeshim blinks and then smiles, wiping at the tracks of Lennon's tears but leaving a little thumbprint behind on his cheek. It doesn't damage his looks at all...he kinda likes it.
"Come and see my snail!" He takes his hand, then quickly stands to pull Lennon up with him to the nearby table. He can't remember the last time that the other has been in here, and he has new treasures. It's usually the room that they share, or the common areas, or he was at work or in his art room. Everyone just has areas of the house that they favor. "He really likes rose petals."
Said snail is in a large glass fishbowl, living in what looks like a little forest inside.
Lennon lets the other pull him up and he's starting to feel tired again but he just leans into the other once they get to the table, his head dropping to nuzzle as he looks at the snail.
"He's cute," Lennon smiles, studying it and the way there's so much life it seems in the bowl. Daeshim's world really is beautiful, he thinks. He only gets a taste of it here really he's sure.
"He was outside of a ramen stand. I was afraid he would get crushed. And look! I found this wasp's nest! Don't worry, it was already abandoned."
He leads him to a couple of more things that only Daeshim could find value in. Until finally bringing him over to his mattress bed. It's free of leaves, but some flower petals shimmer into place instead.
Lennon is quiet as he lets the other show him things in his room. He stays nuzzled close as he lets his voice more than anything work on calming him down. He's paying attention to everything he's shown, though. It's interesting to him, even if definitely the things seem to not hold any particular use or value, they mean something to Daeshim and he's excited to show them to him.
He smiles as he sees the bed, pressing a soft kiss to the other's shoulder. "Are you sure you're ready for bed?" he's seemed a bit excitable just now.
It's what he'd imagined, what he'd hoped for when he ran into Lennon's art room. He'd wanted him to take him from painting to painting, tell him something about it even if it was just what he'd used to paint it. It does make him happy and excited to share these things with Lennon, even if he's aware that some of it is a little weird to him. He'd wanted the same feeling for him.
"I'm ready to be with you." To let Lennon rest and to hold him. That's what he wants, and the bed happens to be the best place for it.
There's nowhere else he would go. He follows him, pressing close once they're comfortable.
"We must behave ourselves in front of the mushrooms." With his expression, sometimes it's hard to tell when Daeshim is teasing. But it's there in his eyes, which are a little brighter than normal. "They are my practice babies."
Lennon relaxes and soaks in the other's body heat as he presses close. He feels comforted even if it all feels so raw and he's not sure things are really settled, at least for him. But they're going to be okay.
"...what?" Lennon laughs, eyes widening a little as he looks at the other. To both things really.
"The mushbabies." He points in the direction of the mushrooms that he was misting earlier, five in total of different heights and shades of purple. "They came from me. I made them."
Good practice, he reasoned. Daeshim blinks back at him before tilting his head against the pillow.
Lennon blinks and looks at them. They're really cute...
"how...?" He doesn't really understand mushrooms. He looks at Dae and raises a brow at the suggestion.
"What? Why?" he asks, not because he doesn't want to just because he wants to know his reasoning. He shifts closer and nuzzles his nose against the other's.
"From my spores." He raises his brows back at him, but a smile crosses his lips before he explains. "Think if you came on some dirt and a baby sprouted! Like that."
Daeshim puckers his lips to kiss his nose.
"To get used to the feeling of being responsible for something that's alive. Something that needs you."
"You took care of me well while I was a mushroom." Even if it's not entirely the same thing. Daeshim is still a Fae, while these are actual mushrooms...though one of them seems to yawn and droop as Lennon is looking at it.
"I will teach you the basics. Non-Non is very sturdy!"
"I didn't know what I was doing and I mostly just cried and held you," Lennon mutters and he's still a little peeved that Daeshim did that to him! Why would you bring it up!
"Mm... okay... in the morning?" Lennon asks, studying the mushroom that seemed to have moved. Do mushrooms move? He shakes his head slightly.
"Can we at least make out a little in front of them?" he pouts, because... they'd just fought and maybe he wants a little more distraction to settle down before sleeping.
"In the morning." He nods. He'll only need a quick lesson, he's sure of it. The follow-up question earns a giggle, and Daeshim presses a kiss against those unhappy lips.
"It's okay. They don't have eyes. And they wouldn't know what sex is anyway."
The Fae winds his arms around him, and hooks one leg around his waist while he's at it.
Lennon relaxes then and he presses another kiss to the other's lips as he's held close, their hips pressing against one another after the other shifts. He reaches up to push his fingers through his messy purple hair.
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"Because...my art is like..." Lennon struggles for a way to explain that to Daeshim. "I don't think there's a way to explain it that you'd understand. If I say my art is like a diary, you'd not understand why you couldn't read it."
He swallows heavily. "Why wasn't the fact that I told you I needed time enough for you? And you said it made you feel bad and unwanted...and I don't want you to feel those things... It wasn't about whether you were wanted or not."
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"It did. It hurt me to be locked out." And not just because of the threat of the iron shavings, or the one time that Daeshim tested them. "Maybe if I locked you out of some precious part of myself, you would understand, or maybe it wouldn't bother you at all. But it bothered me, and it made me very happy when you let me in...until I realized that it was a lie."
He grows quiet, thinking for a moment before speaking again.
"I hurt, and then I still hurt. Better to have been kept outside, at least you wouldn't have been hurt too."
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"I'd like to think that I could understand that what you needed to lock away to yourself for a while wasn't because of how you felt about me. That since what I needed wasn't about you, what you needed wouldn't be about me. You act like this is something I'm doing to you when it was something I was doing for me." Is he not allowed that?
Being told it was a lie cracks him and tears fall and he just tightens his arms and keeps staring at the floor because he's not willing to show the tears.
"It wasn't a lie. You didn't listen. You didn't hear everything I said to you, that I needed time, that just because I could physically let you in didn't mean I was ready to emotionally or mentally to let you in. You could be patient with me on so many things... on saying how I feel about you, on accepting that I'm yours..." he sucks in a soft breath and the way his voice is thick probably gives away that he's crying.
"I needed you to be patient... I told you... but you forgot everything I'd said the moment I opened the door."
He'd been hoping that maybe... Daeshim would have taken the open door as enough. As proof it wasn't that he was unwanted. "I didn't tell you I was ready. When will you learn that just because you can doesn't mean you should?"
Lennon knows he's not being fair. "I'm sorry I hurt you and that I made you feel unwanted and that I'm still fucking up. I'm sorry I'm broken. I told you that you'd realize one day that I'm not good enough."
He can't bare everything to Daeshim yet the way Daeshim wants, he's a disappointment.
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"Maybe you could understand." He says that quietly too, because a part of Daeshim wouldn't want him to understand. He would want him to be impatient too, and curious about every last thing about him. He would want him to worry. Daeshim frowns down at his mushrooms when the other's words start coming quicker. Harsher. He wonders if Lennon really is mad at him after all, but he doesn't want to think of another lie between them.
"Because you opened the door!" Daeshim gasps, lifting his head up at that. Lennon opened the door, and now he's being blamed for walking through it, and it makes his head spin. He doesn't understand...is it the same with their shower rule too? Is it supposed to be enough that it's open, but Daeshim is never really meant to walk through it? An empty invitation.
"I will never learn it." His voice trembles, along with his bottom lip. "I have also told you that I am not human. That I'm selfish and soulless. I cannot be a human lover to you. I wish I could." He wipes the back of his hand across his own eyes. Maybe that's what Lennon needs. Maybe they would understand better. "I don't know what I'm really supposed to do now. You come to get me, but do you really want to be alone? I'm so confused. I cannot trust what you say, or myself that I'll know what you want me to do."
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"My words matter too," he whispers. What he had said had mattered as much if not more than what he had done. Then he sighs and just sits down in the doorway and finally looks at Daeshim.
"Please don't say you can't trust me," Lennon says, his voice broken. "I didn't lie, Dae. I know it's all my fault but I didn't lie."
All of it is so much and he doesn't want anyone else to be his but Daeshim. Daeshim is his husband, fae. There might be others they care about but Daeshim is his heart.
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"You can't help what I am either." He doesn't think that it's the other's fault. It just...is. "But promise you will never say anything that you don't really mean. It doesn't matter if it hurts me or if I don't understand. I won't use force or love you any less for it."
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"I promise," Lennon says softly, swallowing heavily. "I'm sorry, Dae."
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"Mm. I'm sorry too." Lennon was hurt, and he never means to hurt him. That's all that really matters in the end. He comes to sit in front of him, lifting a hand to wipe at Lennon's tears. But then he sees how dirty his hands still are and lowers it again.
"Would you like to stay in here tonight?"
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"Yeah."
He'd stay anywhere with Daeshim.
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"Come and see my snail!" He takes his hand, then quickly stands to pull Lennon up with him to the nearby table. He can't remember the last time that the other has been in here, and he has new treasures. It's usually the room that they share, or the common areas, or he was at work or in his art room. Everyone just has areas of the house that they favor. "He really likes rose petals."
Said snail is in a large glass fishbowl, living in what looks like a little forest inside.
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"He's cute," Lennon smiles, studying it and the way there's so much life it seems in the bowl. Daeshim's world really is beautiful, he thinks. He only gets a taste of it here really he's sure.
"Did you find him somewhere?"
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He leads him to a couple of more things that only Daeshim could find value in. Until finally bringing him over to his mattress bed. It's free of leaves, but some flower petals shimmer into place instead.
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He smiles as he sees the bed, pressing a soft kiss to the other's shoulder. "Are you sure you're ready for bed?" he's seemed a bit excitable just now.
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"I'm ready to be with you." To let Lennon rest and to hold him. That's what he wants, and the bed happens to be the best place for it.
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Lennon nuzzles him and kisses him softly before climbing onto the bed without letting go of Daeshim, making sure he follows him onto it.
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"We must behave ourselves in front of the mushrooms." With his expression, sometimes it's hard to tell when Daeshim is teasing. But it's there in his eyes, which are a little brighter than normal. "They are my practice babies."
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"...what?" Lennon laughs, eyes widening a little as he looks at the other. To both things really.
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Good practice, he reasoned. Daeshim blinks back at him before tilting his head against the pillow.
"You should keep one too."
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"how...?" He doesn't really understand mushrooms. He looks at Dae and raises a brow at the suggestion.
"What? Why?" he asks, not because he doesn't want to just because he wants to know his reasoning. He shifts closer and nuzzles his nose against the other's.
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Daeshim puckers his lips to kiss his nose.
"To get used to the feeling of being responsible for something that's alive. Something that needs you."
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"Oh," Lennon murmurs softly, his eyes widening for a moment. "I don't know anything about mushrooms."
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"I will teach you the basics. Non-Non is very sturdy!"
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"Mm... okay... in the morning?" Lennon asks, studying the mushroom that seemed to have moved. Do mushrooms move? He shakes his head slightly.
"Can we at least make out a little in front of them?" he pouts, because... they'd just fought and maybe he wants a little more distraction to settle down before sleeping.
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"It's okay. They don't have eyes. And they wouldn't know what sex is anyway."
The Fae winds his arms around him, and hooks one leg around his waist while he's at it.
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"Mm...good, because I need you."
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